What Does it all mean?

Very often lately, I find myself wondering what all of this crap means, and where it is going to take me.

I am 26 years old, and a single mother. I have been alone for 2 years now, and every time I meet somebody, all they are looking for is sex, and I am looking for the relationship that goes with it. Sorry boys, the casual thing without the relationship, it just does not work for me. I need more than that. I need someone to hold me, to talk with me, and to share the good and bad with me.

But I am starting to realize that this is just not going to happen for me. I am tired of sitting home alone every night while all of my friends have someone. I am tired of sitting in my own home and having the fact that I am alone and seemingly no one else is blatantly in my face. I am just tired.

I dont want to look back on my life 50 years from now and realize that no one cared, and that I am going to die miserable and alone. But it feels like that is the direction I am heading in. Why is that?

What is there about me that makes me so unlovable? What is wrong with me that makes every other woman out there so much better?

Do you know what the greatest irony in the world is? Two years ago, I was a bit on the heavy side (okay, I was borderline fat.) I had been depressed. My husband had left me and the only thing i had to comfort me was food. Couldnt find anyone to love me then. Now, I busted my ass, exercised, ate right, and lost the weight. Now I can't get a man because I am thin. What the FUCK? How in the hell does that shit work?

I never really was big on what my physical appearance was, nor that of anyone else. I believe that what people look like on the outside is not an accurate reflection of who they are on the inside. I am not shallow or materialistic. I dont care about looks or money or anything else. None of that really matters.

I cut my hair short because it is what is comfortable for me. People make all kinds of assumptions about it that just are not even close to the truth. I might grow it out again, and I might not. I might leave it the natural color (brown) or I might dye it. Who knows. I have always looked good as a redhead. But that is for me to decide.

I have never really cared about what other people think, but maybe I should have. I have always tried to just be me, and take me or leave me. But look how well that has worked for me so far.

I don't know. It is Saturday night and I am home working. I could have gone out, but.
1. I need the money, so i need to work when i have the chance.
2. I just am not sure my heart could handle another night of seeing everyone having someone but me. It is just too much.

So, what is wrong with me anyway. What makes me so unloveable that men see me and run in the other direction as quick as they can? Am I that hideous looking? Am I that horrible a person that no one wants to even try to get to know me? I must have done something totally horrible in a past life to have been afforded the fate I now face.

I guess i am just in a depressed, self-loathing state and putting all of this down on virtual paper will really accomplish nothing but wasting 20 minutes I should have spent earning a living. But who knows...Do I even care anymore? not sure.

i will be okay, but it sure would be nice to be okay with, for a change.

The way things are

So here I am, sitting on my omputer chair, in front of my makeshift desk that used to be an entertainment center, but didn't realize that it was in for a makeover.

I am trying to gather my thoughts and start my day, but concentration seems to alude me. hings have not been at all as they have seemed to the world around me, and things have been confusing, even to me.

I kbow that eventually, everything has to change, but it still sucks. Sometimes I do not want to face the reality that is the world I live in.


Since I wrote last, things have gotten a bit out of whack with my life. I had to move for a number of reasons, one being that things got just a little uncomfortable where I was living before when my ex husband moved in practically next door. Besides that, that home just was not safe anymore. It probably was not to begin with, but it was home, nonetheless.

I found out a couple of weeks ago from my four year old that my exhusband got remarried. And the woman felt the need to tell me, oh by the way, xxxxx and I got married, just thought I should tell you in case you get any of my mail.
U wabted to scream.

I have come to realize that men are stupid. They think they want something, and they keep changing their mind more often than I change my socks (for those of you not in the know, I usually dont wear socks for more than a couple hours at a time...not crazy bout socks)

Every time I meet a man, as soon as they find out I have kids, they bail out. If you are not man enough to handle that, then just leave me alone. You are not worth the waste of my time anymore.

This has been a rough year for me. I have had to do a lot of fighting that I wish I didn't have to do. But the end result is something I can live with, for now anyway. I will see what happens when tomorrow gets here, if it ever does.


I still try to live each day like it may be my last, because I never know when it will be. I am doing my best with what I have to work with every day, and that is all any of us really can do.

I also came to realize that there are a lot of people I THOUGHT were my friends, that really couldn't care less. Almost noe of them were around when I needed them. When the shit realy hits the fam, I can count the people who will be there for me on one hand, and that is really sad.

But, I will be alright, and I know it. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and living each day the way I think is right. I try to be a good mother, sister, daughter, and friend, and I hope I am getting it right. I am not perfect, but I try to do my best.

I love all of you who faithfully read this crap, even though I dont know who most of you are, since you never comment (hint, hint!)

I need to grt my butt in gear today, as i have a long weekend ahead of me and i have a lot of work to do in order to ensure that my financial obligations are met. I am trying to do my best and that is all any of us really can do, right?

Until next time.

September 20th, 2007

Today, I face a world that may not understand. Today, I hold my head up high, knowing I will do the best I can.

I am a 26-year-old woman. I am strong, and yet I am weak. I can accomplish and achieve many things, and I can withstand many challenges and pains. And yet, I am weak because the tears of my children will bring me to my knees every time, usually with a few tears of my own.

I don’t expect anyone to understand the decisions I have made. I choose to walk this path alone. I refuse to be, or allow my children to be, hurt again. The pain of their father walking away was enough for all three of us.

I mean, sure, my Mattie was little, and my Caity only on the way, but their lives were forever changed by his surrender, and thus, my sentence to solitude.

Yes, I am a warrior, but there are some things I just cannot fight. I do my best every day, but it is not easy, this path that I walk. I have fallen many times, in a manner I never thought I could. I guess I am not as strong as I thought I was, after all.

But, I try to show a part of me to the rest of the world I cannot see, even though I want to believe that it is there.

I pray, for my children's sake, I can find and choose the right path. I pray that I may find the peace and soundness of mind and heart, so that I may be the mother that my children deserve. For tonight, I must try to find a peace within myself, and the acceptance that it is okay to just "be."

Questons

When did we lose sight of what was important? When did we forget that this wasn't about us?

When did we turn into such hateful people who can't seem to accomplish anything because we are too angry? I remember a time when things weren't this way. I know there is no way to get that time back, but I wish...

When did we forget about what was important? Why is it that the ones we swore to protect with our own lives are now the reason we can't stop screaming? We created this situation. Now it is our job to figure out a way out of it. Together. Peacefully, for the sake of those who cannot speak for themselves.

Two adults, and yet can't have a conversation without sounding like two year olds. The little ones seeming more mature than those responsible for their care. Why?

Why? Because somewhere along the way we lost sight of what was important. Somewhere along the way we just forgot.

Where is the happy medium?? I don't know. How do you find peace in the middle of a war? I don't know.

So many questions that I cannot find the answer to alone. I don't expect things to be the way they used to be. That would be asking too much. But I want to find a way to make it better. A way to make it so that TODAY can never happen again. What are the answers.

These questions burn in my mind like a fire being stoked by the wind. Tears fill my eyes as i realize that we have come here again. I thought that things had gotten better. How can a person have so much hatred as you feel for me. It kills me inside to think what I have done to create that in you. It kills me inside to think that I am the maker of my own misery, through the disdain you have in your heart for me.

Remember that once, we said that we would walk together, find our way together. I know we cannot have that back, but maybe, just maybe, there can be a happy medium between that, and where we have gone and what we have become.

There has to be a way. I am willing. I am ready. I am trying. I am listening. I am here. Just say the word.

And if not, Don't forget me.

A New Perspective

It is 1 in the morning. I am sitting here, trying to wind down from a day filled with a whole lot of things that just seem to make it a little...I dont know.

But today, my thoughts are in order. I have a couple of promising job offers on the table, and more keep coming. I need to decide which one to take and then move from there.

My legal issues are still, well, best left not discussed so publicly, for reasons that I will get into at a later date. Lets just suffice it to say that people are still stupid, and still trying to employ the doormat theory, but have taken that to a whole new level. Maybe at a later date I can get a little more detailed, but right now it would do more harm then good.

I also got a visit today from the mortality fairy. A conversation with my dad really made me think. I need to take a look at everything in my life, and figure out exactly how important each piece really is. I need to choose my battles carefully. I still need to be willing to fight for what I believe in. And I will fight. But everything is in perspective now. I realize that I cannot let any single opportunity pass me by. Now executing that is going to be a totally different story, but hey, it is a start, right?

I have lived most of my life on the premise that there will always be tomorrow. What happens when you run out of tomorrows? What happens if ya go to bed tonight, and never wake up tomorrow? When ya face whatever you believe happens upon death, are you going to get the result and outcome that you hoped for?

I have to live every day as though it may be my last. I have to dedicate myself even more to my family and those who love and care for me, and that I love and care for. Family is an odd thing for me. Some of my friends are closer than family. I love my family dearly,but I also have close friends that fit into that category. I would give my life for them. I would do anything I can to keep them from hurting. That is just the way it should be.

I cant keep living, trying to do what is best but will make the least noise. Sometimes making a little noise is what is necessary. Letting people know that you have a stand to take and you wont back down. Maybe it is just telling the guy next door that you think about him at night when you close my eyes at night (just an example, in case any of my neighbors are reading, i am not secretly harboring strange thoughts about you).

Or maybe it is standing up for some injustice that you feel has been done and want to try and help set right. I find myself doing a lot of this lately. It started a couple months ago with a deposition regarding a fatal accident I witnessed, where the family of the person who caused the accident was trying to sue the other party because their relative died in the accident, even if she crossed five lanes of traffic, and was going into oncoming traffic and hit a women with a baby in the back seat of her car head on.

Sometimes it just takes a voice. I have one of those today, and I cannot forget that.

For today, i am going to live every day as though it may be my last, because I never know when it will be. Make sure that when you go to bed tonight (for those of you still awake), you tell the ones you love how much they mean to you, because you never know when you wont have the chance again.

Until next time, my friends, sleep well, and enjoy the journey.

Backwards Holiday!

So, It is Monday morning and I am sitting here trying to be profound, and then I remember, how can I be profound on a day like today?

Today is the day that we honor all the dead presidents!!! We honor all the people in the past who have totally fucked up our country, and then get statues and monuments built to help us all remember that!!!

I can't call the banks, because no one is there. I can't call the IRS to find out where the hell my money is, because they are closed. And I can't call any one of my slew of attorneys to get all my other bullshit straightened out, because they aren't working today either.

If the country wants to give us something to celebrate, maybe they should have a day where all the government officials have to work, but the rest of us don't. That would be a great idea. Give us a day where all the "government" people are in their offices, and the rest of us poor schmucks that have jobs can actually take care of our business because the banks, lawyers, IRS, post office, and whatever are all actually still in their offices when we get home! Now there would be a novel concept!

Now, think about it. That would make the masses really happy! How many times have you needed to call the bank and straighten something out, or go to the post office to get an important piece of mail delivered, or something else like that, and by the time you get home for work, you are thinking "@$!#@$, they are closed so I cant get anything done!!!!"

I think we should all right our representatives in government and request this holiday, as this would be so much more beneficial than half the other crap they call holidays. Sure, there would be no mega sales that claim to "save you a shitload of money," but people would actually be able to do something useful, instead of sitting on their collective asses playing video poker and looking at porno on their days off.

Well, okay, so this will never happen, but it seemed like a great idea, didn't it?

Television Challenge

I sit here day after day. I survive without cable television, or for that matter, any television at all. I here people complain about how they can't do this or that because their favorite show is on. Funny, I used to be one of them.

But now, as I sit here and think about it, my life is more full than it ever was when I was a television junkie. Okay, so don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a good DVD now and then, but that is about it. I don't sit at the television for hours on end just staring blankly, entranced by what is on the screen.

I get to spend more quality time with my children. I get to get out and do things with friends. I get to be a happy, well-rounded woman whose brain is not rotting away because of the mindless drivel coming out of a little electronic box.

I read. I write. I enjoy spending time with family and friends. I sometimes just get in the car and drive to nowhere in particular, just for the sake of getting out and going. Sure, sometimes I get bored, but then I find something else to do.

I am constantly trying new things now. I have started walking. And believe me, after my first two block hike, my legs wanted to fall off. I am getting a bit better.

I enjoy cooking . I bake cookies about once a week just for the hell of it.

I read books with my children, and they are better for it. My son, 3 and a half, loves books. He doesn't even seem to miss television, and it was a big part of his life for a long time. I will admit that when he was a bit younger, when his dad first left us, I am guilty of using the television as a babysitter so i could get some work done, or get some cleaning done, or just take a two minute shower. I worked at home at the time, and it was hard being a pregnant, single mother, trying to take care of an extremely active two year old. I needed a break sometimes too.

But now, I still manage to get those showers, and get work done, and get the house cleaned, because he is content to sit for a while "reading." And I think he is actually starting to understand the words on the pages, which is an even greater accomplishment.

Our children learn by our example. If they see us hunker down in front of a television for a dozen hours straight, and never get up and go out and get active, they will feel that that is acceptable. Probably part of the cause for so many obese children. And parents are suing the fast food companies. (I will post more on that one later)


Life without television is great. I have time to chat with friends, read books I have been meaning to read, and get back to work on my novel even! Trust me, six years of blood, sweat and tears, and it still isnt finished, may be another six before we get there. But I walked away from it for two years and havent even looked at it. And then, for a lot of that time, I was a television blob.

In November, I made a conscious decision to kill the cable, and I don't have an antenna. I now only show educational videos for my children, and the occasional silly Disney movie. My son loves Cars. It is probably one of his favorites. For a very long time, I thought he was saying something obscene because he would incessantly quote the "I'm in the Piston Cup!" line.

So I have a challenge for all of you. Turn off the television and spend time with loved ones. See if you can go a whole day without turning the evil box on. Go ahead, do it now, I will wait. .....

Done? Okay, good. Now get out of the house. Go enjoy a park, or a museum, or even better, a library. Or Just wander around your town for a few hours, on foot. There are amazing things to do and see in every neighborhood. You just have to get out and look for them. Trust me, you will thank me for this later.

With that, I am going to get off of here and go take my own advice. There is a nature trail in town calling my name, and it is even more fun at night than during the day. Now, where did I put that flashlight.