What Does it all mean?

Very often lately, I find myself wondering what all of this crap means, and where it is going to take me.

I am 26 years old, and a single mother. I have been alone for 2 years now, and every time I meet somebody, all they are looking for is sex, and I am looking for the relationship that goes with it. Sorry boys, the casual thing without the relationship, it just does not work for me. I need more than that. I need someone to hold me, to talk with me, and to share the good and bad with me.

But I am starting to realize that this is just not going to happen for me. I am tired of sitting home alone every night while all of my friends have someone. I am tired of sitting in my own home and having the fact that I am alone and seemingly no one else is blatantly in my face. I am just tired.

I dont want to look back on my life 50 years from now and realize that no one cared, and that I am going to die miserable and alone. But it feels like that is the direction I am heading in. Why is that?

What is there about me that makes me so unlovable? What is wrong with me that makes every other woman out there so much better?

Do you know what the greatest irony in the world is? Two years ago, I was a bit on the heavy side (okay, I was borderline fat.) I had been depressed. My husband had left me and the only thing i had to comfort me was food. Couldnt find anyone to love me then. Now, I busted my ass, exercised, ate right, and lost the weight. Now I can't get a man because I am thin. What the FUCK? How in the hell does that shit work?

I never really was big on what my physical appearance was, nor that of anyone else. I believe that what people look like on the outside is not an accurate reflection of who they are on the inside. I am not shallow or materialistic. I dont care about looks or money or anything else. None of that really matters.

I cut my hair short because it is what is comfortable for me. People make all kinds of assumptions about it that just are not even close to the truth. I might grow it out again, and I might not. I might leave it the natural color (brown) or I might dye it. Who knows. I have always looked good as a redhead. But that is for me to decide.

I have never really cared about what other people think, but maybe I should have. I have always tried to just be me, and take me or leave me. But look how well that has worked for me so far.

I don't know. It is Saturday night and I am home working. I could have gone out, but.
1. I need the money, so i need to work when i have the chance.
2. I just am not sure my heart could handle another night of seeing everyone having someone but me. It is just too much.

So, what is wrong with me anyway. What makes me so unloveable that men see me and run in the other direction as quick as they can? Am I that hideous looking? Am I that horrible a person that no one wants to even try to get to know me? I must have done something totally horrible in a past life to have been afforded the fate I now face.

I guess i am just in a depressed, self-loathing state and putting all of this down on virtual paper will really accomplish nothing but wasting 20 minutes I should have spent earning a living. But who knows...Do I even care anymore? not sure.

i will be okay, but it sure would be nice to be okay with, for a change.

The way things are

So here I am, sitting on my omputer chair, in front of my makeshift desk that used to be an entertainment center, but didn't realize that it was in for a makeover.

I am trying to gather my thoughts and start my day, but concentration seems to alude me. hings have not been at all as they have seemed to the world around me, and things have been confusing, even to me.

I kbow that eventually, everything has to change, but it still sucks. Sometimes I do not want to face the reality that is the world I live in.


Since I wrote last, things have gotten a bit out of whack with my life. I had to move for a number of reasons, one being that things got just a little uncomfortable where I was living before when my ex husband moved in practically next door. Besides that, that home just was not safe anymore. It probably was not to begin with, but it was home, nonetheless.

I found out a couple of weeks ago from my four year old that my exhusband got remarried. And the woman felt the need to tell me, oh by the way, xxxxx and I got married, just thought I should tell you in case you get any of my mail.
U wabted to scream.

I have come to realize that men are stupid. They think they want something, and they keep changing their mind more often than I change my socks (for those of you not in the know, I usually dont wear socks for more than a couple hours at a time...not crazy bout socks)

Every time I meet a man, as soon as they find out I have kids, they bail out. If you are not man enough to handle that, then just leave me alone. You are not worth the waste of my time anymore.

This has been a rough year for me. I have had to do a lot of fighting that I wish I didn't have to do. But the end result is something I can live with, for now anyway. I will see what happens when tomorrow gets here, if it ever does.


I still try to live each day like it may be my last, because I never know when it will be. I am doing my best with what I have to work with every day, and that is all any of us really can do.

I also came to realize that there are a lot of people I THOUGHT were my friends, that really couldn't care less. Almost noe of them were around when I needed them. When the shit realy hits the fam, I can count the people who will be there for me on one hand, and that is really sad.

But, I will be alright, and I know it. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and living each day the way I think is right. I try to be a good mother, sister, daughter, and friend, and I hope I am getting it right. I am not perfect, but I try to do my best.

I love all of you who faithfully read this crap, even though I dont know who most of you are, since you never comment (hint, hint!)

I need to grt my butt in gear today, as i have a long weekend ahead of me and i have a lot of work to do in order to ensure that my financial obligations are met. I am trying to do my best and that is all any of us really can do, right?

Until next time.

Escape

Escape



In darkness, chilling silence holds, and things are never real.

We face the world around us, and don't know how to deal.

The world is ever changing, and we dont know who we are.

The truth is all around us, the world is never far.

You close your eyes,

Try hard to breath,

And face it all alone.

But in the deoths of your mind,

The answer already known.

Take a breath and hold on tight

Don't be fearful of the night.

In dreams, we find a certain peace

That haunts us while we wake

Try to put your mind at ease

Not everything is fake.



But now the challenges surmount

And life harder than it seems

Try to face the world around

And ignore all the screams.

In darkness you will find the peace

And never feel the pain

You just have to find the strength

To begin again







Lisa Marie LaVergne



16 November 2007