September 20th, 2007

Today, I face a world that may not understand. Today, I hold my head up high, knowing I will do the best I can.

I am a 26-year-old woman. I am strong, and yet I am weak. I can accomplish and achieve many things, and I can withstand many challenges and pains. And yet, I am weak because the tears of my children will bring me to my knees every time, usually with a few tears of my own.

I don’t expect anyone to understand the decisions I have made. I choose to walk this path alone. I refuse to be, or allow my children to be, hurt again. The pain of their father walking away was enough for all three of us.

I mean, sure, my Mattie was little, and my Caity only on the way, but their lives were forever changed by his surrender, and thus, my sentence to solitude.

Yes, I am a warrior, but there are some things I just cannot fight. I do my best every day, but it is not easy, this path that I walk. I have fallen many times, in a manner I never thought I could. I guess I am not as strong as I thought I was, after all.

But, I try to show a part of me to the rest of the world I cannot see, even though I want to believe that it is there.

I pray, for my children's sake, I can find and choose the right path. I pray that I may find the peace and soundness of mind and heart, so that I may be the mother that my children deserve. For tonight, I must try to find a peace within myself, and the acceptance that it is okay to just "be."

Update Number Two: Mechanical Blunderings

Okay So I finally got the car fixed last week!!! It turnes that my idler tensioner pulley, or whatever the hell it is called, had to be replaced because it was all ...well...broken or something!!!

But they fixed it and it didn't cost me a damned dime!

Oh, and for those of you who were wondering, yes, I did cry when the bus pulled away!

Update: I hate Mechanical Things

Okay so, it turns out my car didn’t break as bad as I thought this time after all. It turns out that my radiator cap was not on all the way. So...genius me drove around half the day like that! So I am a total idiot but it seems like the engine is okay. But what a dumb a$$ I am for this one!!!!

It is 7:06 and we are almost ready for the school bus. Just trying to stall the child because he wanted to go outside and wait 20 minutes ago. You think he is excited about going to school? He just wants to go because he knows he gets to go swimming today, I think!

I am going to try not to cry when the bus pulls away. Wish me luck!

I hate mechanical objects

Okay So I have had all I can take with this freakin car I bought.

Last week, my serpentine belt snapped on me. Now, three times this week I have had the belt come off. The first time was saturday night. I had to call a mobile repair guy. It lasted a whole 24 hours. Then Sunday, it cme off again and I ended up having to stay at a friends house because I had no way home and no one to fix it. Then this morning/afternoon, I got it fixed again. This evening while driving with my kids in the car...my air conditioner quits and my temperature gauge goes through the roof....but at least I didn’t lose my power steering. God does have a sense of humor, after all!!!

I keep telling people god hates me and they didn’t believe me...maybe now they will listen!

I am calling the dealership in the morning. This is ridiculous. I have spent far too much money to have a car that breaks down every five minutes. The belt came off only some of the pulleys this time....so better than the last three times it broke...but it is still broken...and I am still pissed!

And add to that frustration the fact that it is almost 10 at night and my four year old wont go to bed. He has a school bus coming at 7 tomorrow morning and his little ass is still wide awake!!! he is having adjustment issues these days. his dad and I just finalized our divorce in July and ever since there are days when this boy is downright rotten, and he does not behave like that at his dads. I really just don’t know what to do...

Anyone have any advice I am all ears. I am at my wits end here!!!

Going back to work now now that I have that rant out of my system.