Yep...Still here...

I am still alive. I swear. Things have just been extremely insane this last year and I have not had much time to breathe, let alone figure out what it all means.

We have had a rather interesting and insightful summer with my little man, now 6 years old and off to his first day of 1st grade!

We set him up with a therapist, thanks to some lovely events that occurred in his life that I was unaware of until after the fact.

In this process, we learned that the little man has SPD and probably also ADHD. We also had him tested and he is classified as a gifted child. I am anxiously awaiting how the public school system in Brevard County is going to handle this, and I will keep you all posted. Things are interesting and exciting and exasperating all at the same time. The behavior has not gotten any better. Some days, the outbursts are just downright ugly, with throwing things and kicking and screaming, and other days, he is a loving, wonderful little boy. I feel like I am dealing with two little kids in one little body!


Well that is my update for today. This being the first day of school, and my doodlebug off at Daycare, I am off to enjoy the day with a cup of coffee and a good book.

Best wishes to all!

What Does it all mean?

Very often lately, I find myself wondering what all of this crap means, and where it is going to take me.

I am 26 years old, and a single mother. I have been alone for 2 years now, and every time I meet somebody, all they are looking for is sex, and I am looking for the relationship that goes with it. Sorry boys, the casual thing without the relationship, it just does not work for me. I need more than that. I need someone to hold me, to talk with me, and to share the good and bad with me.

But I am starting to realize that this is just not going to happen for me. I am tired of sitting home alone every night while all of my friends have someone. I am tired of sitting in my own home and having the fact that I am alone and seemingly no one else is blatantly in my face. I am just tired.

I dont want to look back on my life 50 years from now and realize that no one cared, and that I am going to die miserable and alone. But it feels like that is the direction I am heading in. Why is that?

What is there about me that makes me so unlovable? What is wrong with me that makes every other woman out there so much better?

Do you know what the greatest irony in the world is? Two years ago, I was a bit on the heavy side (okay, I was borderline fat.) I had been depressed. My husband had left me and the only thing i had to comfort me was food. Couldnt find anyone to love me then. Now, I busted my ass, exercised, ate right, and lost the weight. Now I can't get a man because I am thin. What the FUCK? How in the hell does that shit work?

I never really was big on what my physical appearance was, nor that of anyone else. I believe that what people look like on the outside is not an accurate reflection of who they are on the inside. I am not shallow or materialistic. I dont care about looks or money or anything else. None of that really matters.

I cut my hair short because it is what is comfortable for me. People make all kinds of assumptions about it that just are not even close to the truth. I might grow it out again, and I might not. I might leave it the natural color (brown) or I might dye it. Who knows. I have always looked good as a redhead. But that is for me to decide.

I have never really cared about what other people think, but maybe I should have. I have always tried to just be me, and take me or leave me. But look how well that has worked for me so far.

I don't know. It is Saturday night and I am home working. I could have gone out, but.
1. I need the money, so i need to work when i have the chance.
2. I just am not sure my heart could handle another night of seeing everyone having someone but me. It is just too much.

So, what is wrong with me anyway. What makes me so unloveable that men see me and run in the other direction as quick as they can? Am I that hideous looking? Am I that horrible a person that no one wants to even try to get to know me? I must have done something totally horrible in a past life to have been afforded the fate I now face.

I guess i am just in a depressed, self-loathing state and putting all of this down on virtual paper will really accomplish nothing but wasting 20 minutes I should have spent earning a living. But who knows...Do I even care anymore? not sure.

i will be okay, but it sure would be nice to be okay with, for a change.

September 20th, 2007

Today, I face a world that may not understand. Today, I hold my head up high, knowing I will do the best I can.

I am a 26-year-old woman. I am strong, and yet I am weak. I can accomplish and achieve many things, and I can withstand many challenges and pains. And yet, I am weak because the tears of my children will bring me to my knees every time, usually with a few tears of my own.

I don’t expect anyone to understand the decisions I have made. I choose to walk this path alone. I refuse to be, or allow my children to be, hurt again. The pain of their father walking away was enough for all three of us.

I mean, sure, my Mattie was little, and my Caity only on the way, but their lives were forever changed by his surrender, and thus, my sentence to solitude.

Yes, I am a warrior, but there are some things I just cannot fight. I do my best every day, but it is not easy, this path that I walk. I have fallen many times, in a manner I never thought I could. I guess I am not as strong as I thought I was, after all.

But, I try to show a part of me to the rest of the world I cannot see, even though I want to believe that it is there.

I pray, for my children's sake, I can find and choose the right path. I pray that I may find the peace and soundness of mind and heart, so that I may be the mother that my children deserve. For tonight, I must try to find a peace within myself, and the acceptance that it is okay to just "be."

Just OMG

I really do not even know what else to say. I finally decide to leave the house... FOR ONCE... and someones hits my F****ng car in the damned parking lot of the place I went to hang with my friends for a while. Just WTF?!?!?!? So I guess I will have to crawl back into my hermit hole for a while now!!!!!


Such total BS..I actually watched the guy hit my car and then race out of the parking lot. But I am a total dumbass and only got half of his freakin plate number. And there is not a massive amount of damage but it is the principle behind the thing. The paint is scratched up real bad on the back bumper and there is a semi-small crack in the middle of the bumper. I can probably just get touch up and fix the pain myself but it is the principle of the thing dammit.

And, I have only had the GD car two weeks!!!!! Assholes!!!

This is what happens when you add alcohol to stupid, I guess.

On another note, I began Operation Insanity (c) today. Yep, I am copyrighting that phrase so no one can steal it! I am now employed by two different companies. Both doing the same work and still both working at home, but still. We shall see how this will go because theoretically I work full time for both of them!!! But then again, I do full time work in half the time it takes others, so I work part time hours, essentially and am still doing full time productivity. It is wierd and hard to explain. Ya want specifics, read my other blog at www.lifemt.blogspot.com

But, my second job kicks ass. It pays more than my first one, and I have already cleared QA, which is sort of like a probationary period in a regular job at, like, Wal-Mart or something. Awesome stuff!

All in all things are not going so bad. New Karaoke Contest starts in two weeks. That is gonna be bad ass cus I think I have a pretty good chance this time, but we will see. I am kinda looking forward to it, like I always do with these contests, more for the fact that it gets me involved with stuff rather than sitting at home in ny own head all of the time.

And then next weekend I am helping out with a benefit for a friend who just recently got a crappy diagnosis and a bunch of peoples are trying to raise money to help with her medical expenses. So I will get to see what 9 a.m. looks like on a weekend. Should be fun!!! Nah it will be cool cus it is an awesome cause and I readily volunteered for the privelige. Okay, I probably spelled that wrong. They need to put a spellcheck on here.

Okay, SO I have procrastinated long enough and I need to drag my ass back to work now. Hmm...Which job to do this hour!!! LOL I love having options. This is great.